


A Fish Called Mulder

by Cheriluvs10



Category: A Fish Called Wanda (1988), The X-Files
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 09:27:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11124384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cheriluvs10/pseuds/Cheriluvs10
Summary: Crossover with A Fish Called Wanda. Mulder and Scully are sent to London to investigate the murder of Eileen Cody's dogs.





	A Fish Called Mulder

"Sir, you have got to be kidding me!" Mulder said in disbelief.

"I wish I was, agent Mulder," Skinner said with a sigh.

"You mean to tell me, Scully and I have to go all the way to London to investigate the murder of some old woman's dogs? What happened did aliens abduct them and conduct experiments on them?" Mulder said.

"No, she thinks the suspect is human. She identified one man and he's in prison right now, but the killings have continued. She's now down to one dog out of the three she originally had," Skinner held up his hand as Mulder opened his mouth." And before you say anything...I’ve already tried to get you out of it. However, the woman read an article about you in some magazine and she insisted you come. She believes you are the best agent America has."

Mulder stared at Scully and put his head in his hands.

"I don't believe this!" He moaned softly

"I don't believe this"

Scully looked over at Mulder as he drove through the streets of London.

"Mulder, would you quit saying that? You sound like a broken record."

"I'm sorry Scully, but I still can't believe they asked us to do this! Can't the British police handle this?"

"Probably Mulder, but she did ask for you specifically, remember," Scully said.

"Well, I hope we solve this quickly because I want to get back to Wash..."

Mulder's eyes widened when he turned the corner and saw a man and a woman in the same lane as him, coming from the opposite direction. Mulder swerved around the car when the other man drove straight on. Mulder looked back in his rearview mirror and saw the man lean out the window on his side.

"!" he screamed at the top of his lungs.

Mulder gave Scully a shocked look. Suddenly he heard the woman scream and the man slam on the brakes as they came within inches of hitting a light pole. Mulder and Scully stopped and jumped out of the car as the man and the woman did the same. The man stomped over to Mulder while the woman leaned against their car and watched them.

"Listen here, you British prick, you need to learn how to drive on the right side of the road!" He yelled, wagging his finger at him.

"No, I believe it's you who needs to have a refresher course in British driving," Mulder said angrily.

The man looked at him and a grin spread across his face as he lowered his finger.

"Oh, you're an American! Oh, thank God! It's nice to meet someone who has a pulse in this Godforsaken country!" He said.

Mulder raised his eyebrow in confusion.

"Um...Yeah, listen, are you two hurt?"

"Oh, hell no, we have that happen to us all the time! It's bizarre! Anyway, it’s nice to meet another American. I'm Otto Gershwitz and this is my sister Wanda," he said motioning back to her.

"I'm Fox Mulder and that's Dana Scully."

Otto snickered.

"Fox? What's that? Your porno name or something?" he said with a grin.

Mulder rolled his eyes.

"No," he muttered. "That's my real name."

"Geez, buddy, your parents musta hated you," Otto said

Mulder sighed.

"Anyway, I'm glad you're alright," Mulder said, trying to change the subject.

"I mean, was your mother watching Wild Kingdom the moment you were born?" Otto continued.

"Would you please just drop it?" Mulder said, angrily.

Otto held up his hands.

"Just trying to have a conversation. It's not my fault you were named after a small, furry animal," Otto said

He focused his attention on Scully while Mulder fought to control his temper.

"Are you American too?" he asked hopefully

Scully nodded.

"Thank God!" Otto screamed. "Thank God for Americans! I've had it up to here with stuffy, pompous Brits!"

"Then why do you live in England if you hate them so much?" Mulder said folding his arms over his chest.

"Because my sister is dating a British guy and she wants to live close to him," Otto said in disgust

"Well, why don't you move back to America and let your sister stay in England?" Mulder asked

"Um...well, um...because I...well, I...love my sister." Otto said, suddenly getting very nervous.

Mulder shrugged.

"So?" He asked

Otto glanced back at Wanda.

"Um...well...we’re...very close. Very, very close," he said shuffling his feet.

Mulder gave him a confused look.

"Mulder, we better get going. We're late for the meeting and Mrs. Cody is expecting us," Scully said to him.

Otto paused and stared at Mulder. His eyes narrowed.

“Cody? Not…Eileen Cody?” he said.

Mulder raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah, you know her?” he said.

"Meeting? What kind of meeting?" Otto said, ignoring him.

Mulder sighed.

"We're investigating the murder of her dogs," he said, rolling his eyes.

"Why would you care? What do you do?" Otto spat out.

"We’re with the FBI. We were sent here…"

He stopped when he noticed Otto's eyes were as wide as saucers.

"Did you say...FBI?" he asked, suddenly scared.

"Um...Yeah, why?" Mulder asked, confused.

"OH NOTHING, NOTHING, WE'RE LEAVING NOW! BYE!"

Otto ran back to his car as Mulder and Scully looked on in shock.

"Get in the Goddamn car, now!" Otto hissed at Wanda.

"Why? What's wrong? I thought you were talking to him," Wanda said.

"IN! DAMN IT!" Otto yelled.

They got in the car as Mulder and Scully looked at each other.

"What is going on, Otto?" Wanda said angrily.

"They are fucking FBI agents," Otto said thru gritted teeth.

"What?"

"F...B...I, It stands for Fortune…Being…Investigated! Not only are the British police after us, but now they’ve brought the Americans in to help!" Otto hissed

"Oh, don’t be stupid, why would the FBI be involved with a British bank heist?" Wanda shot back.

Otto glared at her.

"Don't ever, ever, EVER, EVER..."

"Oh for Christ’s sake, Otto...GO!"

"Right, right!"

Otto hit the accelerator and sped off, leaving a confused Mulder and Scully behind them.

Mulder sighed as he pulled up next to the Hatton Garden Apartments on Kipling Road. They had gotten a tip that there was an eyewitness to the murders. A man by the name of Ken.

Mulder and Scully walked up to the third floor and knocked on the door.

An odd-looking man with curly brown hair and a bandage around his head opened it. A gauze patch was over his right eye and there were two small scratches in the middle of his forehead.

"Hi, is your name Ken?"

"Yes, I'm K-K-K-K-K-K-Ken," he said.

Mulder stared at him.

"You have a stutter?"

Ken nodded.

"I'm agent Mulder, This is agent Scully," he said as they showed him their badges "We need to ask you a few questions about a Mrs. Eileen Cody. We understand you have been seen near the scene of the crime."

Mulder narrowed his eyes when he heard Ken's rapid breathing.

"I was nowhere near any C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-Crime," he said.

"Well, can we come in and look around, anyway?"

"Um...S-S-S-S-S-S-Sure," Ken said, opening the door for them.

Mulder and Scully entered and looked around while Ken closed the door and began to follow them around the apartment. Mulder turned and looked at Ken, who was visibly nervous.

"What happened?" he asked pointing to the bandage.

"Um...S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-Skiing accident," he said quietly.

"Skiing? In the summer?" Mulder asked him.

"I was in Ut-t-t-t-t-t-t-tah, in the mount-t-t-t-t-t-t-tains on hollid-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-day," he said, becoming even more nervous.

Mulder narrowed his eyes at him. He wasn't sure whether to believe him or not. Suddenly, Ken glanced over and saw Scully examining the fish tank.

"NO!" He screamed running towards it.

Scully jumped back in surprise and stared at him. Ken pointed nervously at the fish tank.

"They d-d-d-d-d-d-d-don't like to be d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-disturbed," he said pointing to the fish.

Scully folded her arms across her chest.

"Okay, what are you not telling us?"

"I'm t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-telling you everything I know!" Ken protested weakly.

Scully raised her eyebrow.

"I don't think so. I don't think you got that injury skiing either. In our report, Mrs. Cody said she saw someone run over one of her dogs and crash into a light pole."

She watched as Ken flinched.

"I d-d-d-d-didn't mean t-t-t-t-t-to," he said under his breath.

He jumped when Scully came closer to him.

"Didn't mean to, what?" she asked.

"Um...Not serve you t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-two t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tea," he said as he ran past them into the kitchen.

Scully looked at him as he quickly got out the teakettle and began to fill it with water. She walked over to Mulder.

"What do you think?"

"Well...He's pretty nervous. I think we should question him a little bit more, then maybe he'll get so nervous, he'll slip up."

Suddenly, there was a bang and the front door was kicked in. Otto strode into the room while Wanda stood out in the hall.

"Hey, k-k-k-ken, made good on that bet, yet?"

He paused when he noticed Mulder and Scully and his eyes grew wide.

"NEVER MIND! WE'LL TALK LATER! BYE!" he screamed as he ran out the door and slammed it behind him.

Outside the door, they heard Otto yell out,

"WANDA! YOU STUPID CUNT! YOU TOOK US TO THE WRONG APARTMENT AGAIN! YOU NEED TO LAY OFF THE ALCOHOL, YOU BOOZEHOUND!” Then, in a lower voice, they heard him say, "Okay I think we convinced them. Let's get going!"

Mulder looked at Scully.

"Is everyone in London insane or something?" he asked her.

He looked over at Ken who was standing in the kitchen staring at them.

"What is this bet he's talking about?" Mulder said.

Ken's eyes grew wide.

"I never saw him before in my l-l-l-l-l-life!" he protested.

"So someone kicks in your door and you don't blink an eye," Mulder said suspiciously.

"Oh that's L-L-L-L-L-London for you. Everyone is always k-k-k-k-k-kicking in everyone else's d-d-d-d-d-d-doors for a l-l-l-l-l-l-laugh," Ken said with a weak smile.

Mulder stared at him and then threw up his arms.

"You know what, I give up! I wanna go home! It’s not worth it. I don't even care anymore who did it. Come on, Scully, let's go home! Skinner can just explain to everyone that we're not qualified enough."

Scully followed Mulder outside and shut the door. As she shut it, she saw Ken breathe a sigh of relief. She turned to tell Mulder, but he was already down the stairs. Shrugging, she turned and followed him.

When Scully reached the car, Mulder was already there. He sighed and looked over at her.

"I'm sorry, Scully but I’m past the point of caring now. It's been one weird day and I'm not in the mood to deal with any more crazy people!"

Scully nodded.

"I agree with you, Mulder."

"So, you want to go get some dinner? Maybe some Italian?"

"That sounds good,” Scully said. “I could go for some fettuccini alfredo or some spaghetti primavera with mozzarella on top and..."

Mulder frowned when she stopped talking and looked past him, her eyes wide with shock. He turned and did a double take when they saw Wanda across the street on the roof of her car writhing and moaning in sexual ecstasy. As they both watched her with their mouths hanging open, Otto leaped out of the car and walked over to them.

"Now look what you've done!” he said, pointing back at Wanda.” I’m gonna have to do her when I get home so she’ll calm down!"

Mulder looked at Scully. They leaped in the car at the same time, slammed their doors, and drove off quickly while Otto waved his fist in the air behind them.

"ASSHOOOOOOOOLE!"

The End.


End file.
